Demonised and Vilified

29th July 2010

'Sometimes you step off the pavement and get hit by a bus' grumbled the ex BP Chief in a fit of pique, blaming his plight on the unfairness of the press, whom he said had 'demonised and vilified' him. Of course, as we step off the pavement, most of us don't get hit by a bus carrying £12M in pension and payoff salary on our way to another job within the company with an expectation of up to £4M a year in pay and bonus to cushion the blow.

So Tony, a little advice, stop whinging and suck it up... like you should have in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Bill...

28th July 2010

As budget cuts loom, police services up and down the country look to the past for ways to maintain law and order, save money and slash overtime.

The emphasis will be to get officers on the street in a productive role, not back in the station doing paperwork.

We're going to see a return to the traditional lone bobby on the beat, using the latest technology to work efficiently.

To paraphrase Detective Inspector Gene Hunt "It's time to fire up the bicycle".

BP-To Russia with love...

27th July 2010

Outgoing BP Chief Tony Hayward, and by outgoing I don't mean bubbly, unless you count the black stuff spewing out of his oil pipe into the Gulf of Mexico, no, I mean "leaving his job by mutual consent", is off.

He's been reassigned to a joint venture in Russia with BP-TNK, taking with him a pension pot of £11M and a years salary of over £1M.

Why Russia? We can only speculate, but the person he's replacing had to be smuggled out in fear of his life amidst death threats... it would appear Tony "I just want my life back" has been sent to the Eastern Front.

Lockerbie disaster II

22nd July 2010

On his first official visit to America, the Prime Minister David Cameron has taken a bit of a kicking from President Obama, BP is knocking out enough oil into the Gulf of Mexico to write it's initials in the water large enough to be seen from the moon, and Britain has announced it's military withdrawal plans from Afghanistan in 2014... However one thing Cameron isn't taking it on the chin for, is the Scottish Executives decision to release the ailing Lockerbie bomber, Abdelbaset al-Megrahi, who seems to have made a miraculous recovery since his repatriation. As the drip, drip, drip of oil rings suspiciously in the ears of the American Senate, only time will tell if Scotland was acting with a compassionate heart or haggling in blood.

The Third Mandelson

20th July 2010

Murder has been committed, and yet again Mandelson knows where the body is buried. He has plugged his book to death and now points a boney finger from every television, newspaper & magazine to where we can find it's stinking corpse.

In his desire to please & sell, he dishes dirt, fawns & teases on television slots and even dresses as a camp, luvvie storyteller, complete with smoking jacket and smirk.

His book reveals that Blair and Brown didn't get on... "The Third Man", a one dimensional tale from a two-faced snitch.

Veiled threat?

14th July 2010

Following a Belgian ban on the burkha the French parliament has adopted a formal motion that the burkha is "an affront to the nation's values".

President Nicolas Sarkozy supports the ban and his cabinet is considering a draft bill featuring a one-year prison sentence and fines up to £14,000 on husbands who force their wives to wear a burkha.

The new law would create an offence of "incitement to cover the face for reasons of gender".

Poor Michael Jackson must be spinning in his grave.

World Cup Final Result 2010

12 July 2010

In a game dirtier than Tony Haywards wellies, Spain have snatched the 2010 World Cup from Holland with an extra-time goal scored by Andres Inesta, giving them a well deserved 1-0 win against the ever more defensively hacking Dutch team in Johannesburg.

English referee, Howard Webb, will be lucky to get away without injury, not from physical violence, but from the repetitive strain of raising his yellow and red cards throughout the match, he issued 13 bookings, resulting in one Dutch sending-off.

Spain now holds both the European and the World Cup, becoming only the third nation to achieve this accolade. Holland, you leave with nothing...

Whoah woe...

Poor old Toyota, first they couldn't get them to stop, now they can't get them to go. There may be a recall of up to 3,200 Toyotas in the UK because of an engine fault in their top end Lexus and Crown models, the fault can cause the vehicle to stall while moving. I've seen lots of little toot-toot cars doing that, but most of them have a white pyramid with red L plates stuck on the roof.

Worldwide Toyota has now recalled over 10 million vehicles since September 2009, however, most of those recalls were over the risk of unintentional speeding up, not the risk of unintentional conking out.

The Lexus customer relations team telephone number is 01737 367 601, and they don't find it funny if you ask them for co-ordinates to the nearest American aircraft carrier, take my word for that...

Rooney booked

Staying doggedly consistent, footballs 'golden generation' still can't put a boot right.

After flying out on holiday yesterday Rooney has come under fire for booking his flights to Barbados BEFORE losing to Germany, what did he know that we didn't?

Ashley Cole is in trouble for sending a text BEFORE he left for South Africa saying "I hate England and the ****ing people". Nice, but then he does have previous on the text front, if I were his management I wouldn't let him loose with a whistle let alone a mobile phone.

World Cup National Managers Salaries

I might have got it all wrong (see yesterdays blog below)

I suggested Capello may not be worth what he's paid without posting the 'going annual rate' for World Cup National Managers.

To rectify that here's a list, enjoy...

National Managers Salaries

Capello (England) - £6m

Aguirre (Mexico) - £2.7m

Lippi (Italy) - £1.7m

Marwuk (Netherlands) - £1.5m

Parreira (South Africa) - £1.5m

Low (Germany) - £1.3m

Maradona (Argentina) - £830k

Bielsa (Chile) - £588k

Bradley (USA) - £345k

Herbert (New Zealand) - £25k

What do you think?

Because you're worth it...

The weary England squad are back on home soil and wondering if they can pin it all on the foreign johnny with the funny accent. Capello however, has made it perfectly clear that he wants to carry on with the job, who wouldn't, £6m a year to deliver absolutely nothing? Six million pounds a year, it's such an abstract figure, it's less abstract though when you work out it's £25,000 a day, every working day, day-in, day-out, I'm just going to say that again out loud... "twenty-five thousand pounds... a day". Word has it he'll be kept on... Because he's worth it? No, because it'll cost £5m to get rid off him...

England out of World Cup

England have crashed out of the World Cup to the blare of vuvuzulas and cries of despair from fans who had saved for two years to be in South Africa to cheer them on.

A truly abysmal refereeing judgment robbed Frank Lampard of his goal, again raising speculation that goal-line technology should be employed, but even had the goal been allowed it wouldn't have been enough, the young German side totally outclassed and outplayed the lackluster England squad into a humiliating 4-1 defeat, their worst ever World Cup performance.

Capello has vowed to fight for his £6m a year job (no kidding), but last night the only coach the England team were interested in was the 52 seater taking them to the Airport.

Work till you drop...

It makes a great headline, 'work till you drop', invoking as it does, grainy black and white images of elderly folk breaking rocks, lashed by some grinning, brute faced thug. The reality of the matter isn't quite so dreadful, the retirement age for men is being raised in four years from 65 to 66, and the default retirement age at which a company can boot you out the door for a younger, cheaper model is being scrapped.

The fact is we are leading longer, healthier lives and our pension pot can't support it, we have to do something and getting rid of compulsory retirement is a good start. A word of caution though, we need balances and checks to make sure we're not just taking 65 year olds off pensions and putting 18 year olds on benefits.

England-1 Slovenia-0

England win a match at last and come second in their group behind the USA.

A visibly chuffed Fabio Capello said after the match "Theeth eeth thee theem thad I thaw een thee roonob tood thee whurlcub, hi amb berry berry abby!"

Just sixteen teams remain and England seem to have found their confidence in the resounding one-nil defeat of Slovenia (pop 2m).

Germany, the next nation to face the English onslaught must be wondering just what they will have to do to stop these behemoths of the field in their bid for glory. Asked the same question a German fan said "Turn up".

George, saint or sinner...

It's judgement day, and as the dust settles we get a proper chance to take in the facts and figures rolled out in yesterdays emergency budget.

Was it as tough as predicted? The short answer is yes, however the cautious consensus seems to be that it was harsh, but reasonably fair. The fly in the ointment on the fairness front was the VAT hike to 20% due in January 2011. As expected, there was a huge hit on public services, in pension reform and budget reductions of 25% in all departments except overseas aid and the NHS. The mooted capital gains tax rise to 40% was watered down to 28%, not out of compassion, but because that was the optimum return rate for the treasury before people choose to sit on their hands and their assets. There was a robust and targeted benefits shake-up as anticipated.

The £155bn deficit dragon will be with us for a long time to come, but George has made a decent first stab at it.

It may be a while before he's hailed as a Saint though...

The coalition budget...

There has been a lot said about this emergency budget, suggestions that it has been over-egged to blunt whatever nasty medicine George Osborne may be about to pour down our throats now seem unlikely, the truth is that in order to slash Britains £155bn deficit it has to be as tough as they promised it would.

The most controversial measure is likely to be a shake-up of the public sector pension pot, requiring more cash input from the recipient. This will initiate strikes. Hard on the heels of the pension review will be welfare cuts and almost certainly an end to child tax credits for the middle classes. We'll probably see an increase in VAT and capital gains tax, and holiday flights may attract a levy. On the flip side the income tax allowance will be raised from £6.475 to £7,475 taking a million people out of the income tax threshold and there will be a two year freeze on council tax.

I for one am stocking up on cling peaches in the Anderson shelter...

World cup woes...

First I should hold my hand up and say 'I'm Scottish', however I'm not one of those ABTE's (Anyone But The English) Scots. I don't enjoy seeing any of our national teams being humiliated at anything, and as a Brit I get plenty of opportunity to test that ideology to destruction.

I should also hold my hand up and say 'I'm not really a football fan', but again this doesn't stop me cheering any of our home sides on in an international... In reality England's play hasn't provided much to cheer about, but one thing the performance has highlighted for me is their pay packets. Five of the men not scoring goals against Algeria are being payed over £150,000 per week, and even if they were scoring goals that just seems skewed in so many ways,£4,166.00 an hour? They are earning more in a day than a front line soldier serving in Afghanistan could earn in a year. Perhaps Mr Rooney wouldn't be so quick to shout down a camera lens about being booed at for a pisspoor performance if he knew the people booing him were all toting Kalashnikovs and wearing high explosive underwear.

And as for the 'intruder' to the changing rooms, get a grip, he was an England fan looking for a toilet, don't punish him for following his nose and finding a shower...

BP Chief boiled in oil

Tony Hayward, the CEO of BP is a walking PR nightmare. His original attitude to the scale of the Gulf of Mexico disaster hacked-off the American people, his handling of the problem hacked-off the President and now his stonewalling of questions has hacked-off Congress. His whining Facebook statement 'I just want my life back' hacked-off just about everyone else.

This smug, laconic, coiffured and bouffant geologist manages to make Monty Burns (of Simpsons fame) look like a sainted, patrician eco-warrior, even Burns would be unlikely to take time off the disaster management to race his yacht around the Isle of White...

Vuvuzelas Sir, thaaasands of em'

In a far flung corner of what used to be part of 'the Empire', our boys are once again outnumbered and outgunned, moral is strained and resources stretched, however, this time it has nothing to do with a lack of helicopters or body armour, although a shipment of industrial ear-defenders wouldn't go amiss. As the Englishmen stand shoulder to shoulder they face of a wall of noise unprecedented in international football. Calls are afoot to ban the offending culprit, the vuvuzela, a long horn employed, it would seem, by every African fan at the World Cup, but instead perhaps we should just get our 'own' horns out there...

Chancellors choice cuts

As George Osbourne, our shiny new Chancellor gears up for his first crack at a budget, suddenly all the election rhetoric spouted about who would make the biggest cuts and the widest slashes is about to take form, physical and manifest under his hand. He has to cancel the milk and find all the cash that's slipped down the back of our national couch.

And as the body politic struggles under it's huge inherited debt, we the electorate can only hope and pray, wincing through our fingers as the knife bites, that George is a clever surgeon and not a bloody butcher...

Budget responsibility

The Office for Budget Responsibility has come up with it's first set of figures, and they're not good, in fact they're grim. Had we not had this independent review and audit, effectively an economic 'State of the Nation' address, we would still be working on skewed figures and flawed forecast. The knowledge for government that figures can no longer be massaged into a fluffier, more consumer friendly outcome must ultimately be good for the country, but it's going to hurt while we, the British public, get used to being slapped in the face with fiscal kippers.

Iran sanctioned over nuclear threat

The UN has approved it's toughest sanctions yet on Iran, this comes amid fears the country is attempting to make nuclear weapons under the guise of a domestic nuclear programme.

At a Security Council meeting the vote was 12 to two in favour of Resolution 1929. Lebanon abstained, only Brazil and Turkey voted against it. It is aimed at nuclear related activity, ballistic missiles and the Revolutionary Guard.

Iran's President Ahmadinejad said "They are not capable of hurting Iranians". The resolution doesn't include an embargo of oil shipments... that would hurt.

Labour leadership contest

Well it's hat's in the ring time for the labour leadership, and had it not been for a late surge of votes for Diane Abbott the race runners would have all looked very similar, forty-something, white, male and public school educated.

There now follows a 15 week canter over the sticks to decide who should fill Gordon Browns shoes on September 25. Let's hope they have small feet.

The runners are, Abbott's Chance, Burnham Boy, Miliband the Elder, Miliband the Younger and Big Balls.

World Cup Fever

During the World Cup it's expected that an extra 21 million pints of beer will be drunk, which is great news for our ailing pub industry, faced with crippling competition from big chain supermarkets and their 'cheaper than water' offers on alcohol.

Unfortunately beer sales won't be the only figures to go through the roof during England's world cup campaign. Domestic violence spikes by 25%, and it goes up to 30% on the days England are beaten, perhaps 'our boys' should play in black and blue?

Cameron's Cuts

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that there are going to be drastic cuts to public services in order to reduce the budget deficit. These cuts, he said, are going to affect every man woman and child in the country for years, if not decades to come. The Chancellor, George Osbourne plans to use the same strategy as Canada, which managed to control their massive budget deficit by hacking 20% off their spending over three years.

This will result in nothing short of a public services amputation, brutal and prolonged, but even that is better than the alternative.

BP buys airtime

In an attempt to woo the American public and their President BP is shoveling money into long TV adverts trying to explain why 'it' wasn't their fault...

It won't wash...

President Obama has made it clear that he feels BP haven't done enough to stop the tide of oil heading for his shores and for that he's going to make them pay.

On top of that looms the possibility of criminal proceedings against the BP executive, £44bn is wiped of their share price and they are downgraded from an AA+ company to AA.

The CEO must be ruing the day he went on TV looking nonchalant, suggesting that the environmental impact was going to be very small indeed...

Soon wild birds may not be the only thing struggling to keep their heads above water in the Gulf of Mexico.

Gunned boat diplomacy

Israeli commando's attacked an aid flotilla bound for Gaza while in international waters, leaving nine of those aboard dead and many more injured.

As the commandos stormed the ship from helicopters it looked as if they would be overwhelmed, they were mobbed by defenders wielding anything they could find, but eventually, and only with deadly force the ship was taken.

Those who died have done more for their cause than any suicide bomber or rocket launching jihadist ever has. This has been a public relations disaster of monumental proportions for Israel and will undoubtably lead to humanitarian concessions as the glare of international scrutiny focuses on this unhappy region.

Picture this...

I remember the Apple Newton. Launched in 1993 it was the handheld device that was going to change the world. It didn't work, it didn't change the world, and, it actually didn't 'work'. It was rubbish and I knew it was rubbish, but that didn't stop me rushing out to buy one. Now somewhat older, some say wiser, most say tighter, I view the iPad with no less gadget-lust than I did the Newton, but I haven't camped out to get my hands on one, because even though it will work and it probably will change the world, I still want to see it dance before I hand over the cash...

Capital Gains Axe

With the budget looming and a proposed 40 or even 50% capital gains tax sitting in the wings, the Daily Telegraph has launched a campaign to petition the Chancellor, George Osbourne, to scrap it.

The gist of the Telegraph argument is that in very many cases it's an unfair tax on prudent people trying to make provision for their own retirement, something the conservatives urged, praised and supported in opposition, however, that support seems set to be an early victim of coalition compromise under the hand of Vince Cable. Will Osbourne pay any heed to a petition knowing he doesn't have to face the polls for five years? Personally, I suspect our pips are going to be squeeked.

To die for...

Apple is launching an independent investigation into one of it's suppliers the Taiwan-based company, Foxconn, since they suffered eleven suicides in six months at one factory.

The factory in southern China assembles their iPhone.

Foxconn who also produce Dell computers and Nokia phones, say "you should look closely into both the Chinese and international (suicide) rates", "the suicidal rate is within the normal range".

One can only assume they're basing this on the actions of striking BA cabin crew.

Clear speech

The Queen's speech delivered what the business community needed to hear, particularly welcome was the focus on tackling state debt. The Queen also outlined plans to establish an Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR), this new office would replace the Treasury as official forecaster on economic growth and on public borrowing. Independence, openness and honesty are all good things, I hope however some information is still managed, because when you're going under for the third time you really just need to to hear the words 'keep swimming', not 'you're drowning'.

Slick operators

The statement from BP's chief executive, that the huge oil spill swilling around in the Gulf of Mexico is going to end up having only a "very, very modest environmental impact" looks set to be a 'liar, liar, pants on fire' moment in his shining career.

BP's profits make all the more obscene the fact that this isn't a scenario that they had prepared for, nor have the ability to manage.

It's the law that we all drive with a spare in the car, because sooner or later we all get a bust tyre, perhaps BP ought to invest as much in 'it's 'spare tyre technology' as it does in it's 'sucking out all the oil technology'.

Pompey had it easy

As Willie Walsh looks to the sky he must think that volcanic ash would be easier to manage or negotiate with than BA cabin staff or their union Unite.

With the airline haemoraging cash at £7m a day during strike action staff must realise that sooner or later it will not be viable to maintain the fleet in it's present form or size.

BA cabin staff are already paid almost double that of other airlines, and have a perk package the envy of the flying world, however if the strikes continue their goose that lays the golden eggs may well be cooked.

Up, down, shake it all around...

Property prices and sales have been all over the place recently, the uncertainty of who wold be in power and what that might mean in terms of inflation, capital gains and the economy in general have all taken their toll.

For today however the Royal Institution of Chartered Surveyors (Rics) is predicting that the housing market will gain momentum in the next few months, they said activity had increased with the onset of spring with property prices rising and the number of sales going up. Let's see what they say tomorrow...

Paris art theft

The Paris Museum of Modern Art has reported the theft of five of their most valuable masterpieces, collectively estimated to be worth over £86m. The paintings included works by Pablo Picasso and Henri Matisse.

The haul is thought to be one of the biggest art heists ever carried out, although the paintings are likely to be virtually worthless to the thief who will never be able to sell them on.

One can only imagine the response of the police sketch artist tasked with producing a credible likeness of the thief...

Coalition compromise

In the wake of the general election and the horse-trading that has obviously gone on in the frantic to and fro since, there has emerged a coalition, a yellow and blue one.

This is the first time, in a very long time that Britain has had a coalition government, and there seems an air of hope in the country that it may work. There have been big concessions on both sides, but perhaps that's what the country needs, politicians working together for the good of the country.

I for one would like to think it could work, because I like to see the people in charge of the country smiling, naturally, not as if they're hooked up to an invisible face crane or have just sat on an oversized product from the Ann Summers shop.

AA Strike action called

AA patrol staff are going on strike for two days starting on the second of May.

Members of the Independent Democratic Union (IDU) voted in favour of industrial action yesterday over a pension dispute. The IDU have stated that this is the first in a series of planned two-day strikes. It is their first national strike since the AA was formed 105 years ago.

It used to be the custom for Patrolmen used to salute when they saw an AA badge holder pass or attended a breakdown, I expect a different kind of salute will be in use during the strike.

Large Hadron Collider working (again)

I don't know how much has been spent on 'it', I don't think anyone knows how much has been spent on 'it'... There are conspiracy theorists who think 'it's' so clever that 'it' breaks down on purpose because 'it' is aware of 'how powerful 'it' is', but I bet even 'it' doesn't know how much has been spent on 'it'. I'm not against 'it', but I have noticed that while we're spending a squillion quid (rough guess) to get 'it' to create tiny black holes, there are enormous big black holes appearing all over the place, and no-one is filling them in.

Cash for access

Three Labour former Cabinet ministers and a Conservative MP have all been caught with their snouts well and truly jammed in in the trough.

Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt, Geoff Hoon, and holding up the blue end Sir John Butterfill, were all filmed during an undercover sting operation by reporters for Channel 4's Dispatches programme. The reporters pretended to be from an American lobby group, the politicians pretended they could influence our law making process for cash, indeed Stephen Byers went so far as to suggest he was 'a cab for hire'.

One assumes all their pants are on fire.

Standards, what standards?

The former head of the Commons standards watchdog, Tory MP David Curry, has been ordered by the Standards and Privileges Committee to pay back £28,000 he claimed in expenses for a second home in Yorkshire which he used as a 'love nest' to entertain his mistress 'Cherry' Edwards.

Proving if nothing else 'where there's muck, there's brass' as the locals might say...

Fudgit Budget

With nothing to give away, and no desire to be seen clawing cash from the pockets of people about to vote whether they get another ride on the gravy train, the Labour budget was always going to conservative, with a small 'c'.

This was merely a paper shuffling exercise, not a fiscal agenda, just a 'fudgit budget'.

Take your peck

Two Britons are facing a month in jail for giving each other a peck on the cheek in greeting at a Dubai restaurant.

Ayman Najafi and Charlotte Adams both deny the indecency charges. The couple were arrested after a 38-year-old local woman reported that she had seen them kissing on the mouth in Bob's Easy Diner in November.

They were found guilty of public indecency and sentenced to one month in jail and then deportation. They have been freed on bail pending an appeal.

Let's hope they didn't use tongues...

Biting the hand...

Lord Adonis, the Secretary of State for transport, has broken ranks and come out swinging against the seemingly suicidal decision of British Airways cabin staff to strike over Easter. Unite, the union calling for the strike has donated 11 million pounds to the Labour Party in the past three years and is already rounding on Lord Adonis with savage intent, and one imagines the warcry "Tora, Tora, Tora!".

Will the Government back their noble Lord?

The Pill, a life saver?

The pill is good for you, it's official, well this week anyway. No doubt next week it will be bad for you again, according to someone in a white coat from the University of Woooohah.

Researchers say it cuts your chance of developing cancer by 12 per cent if you use it for eight years or less, but if you use it for more than twelve your chances of copping the big C go up by 22 per cent.

Or, have one child and get a cat, any need for the pill will be completely academic quicksticks.

Death tax shrouded in mystery

Health Secretary Andy Burnham is facing some tough choices on how to come up with the cash to fund care for the elderly, the cost of which is rising steadily as our population stubbornly insists on living longer.

The preferred option looks likely to be a 10% 'death tax'. In real terms that means people with an estate valued at £500,000 would find their families hit with a bill for £102,500 when they pop their clogs.

Apparently you really can't take it with you...

And the cupboard was bare

There will be a budget on March the 24th, increasing the likelihood that the general election date will indeed be the 6th of May, the same day as local elections.

There isn't much left to give away, and the dead cat hasn't bounced nearly as high as the government would have liked, so we have a budget with all the entertainment value of a magicians hat with no rabbits. One trick is certain though, whatever happens at the election, Alistair Darling will disappear.

The have ones and the not have ones...

Her Majesty the Queen has used the annual Observance of Commonwealth Day service at Westminster Abbey to warn that internet use is an "unaffordable option" for people in many Commonwealth countries.

The Commonwealth, formed out of Britain's old imperial territories, accounts for 1.8 billion people, almost a third of the population on the planet. You can see the planet from the International Space Station, where, somewhat ironically you can also get a broadband connection.

OSCAR BRAVO INDIA TANGO

Whoever is spinning for Gordon Brown right now should be left alone with a bottle of port and a Webley to 'do the right thing'. It's a folorn hope though, because he or she hasn't done the right thing in a long, long time.

Advising the Prime Minister to visit to Afghanistan immediately after appearing at the Iraq Inquiry, especially as his version of events fiscal is being challenged by senior political and military figures, looks not only clumsy but cynical.

Iraq, for whom the till tolls...

Who's telling the truth, the current Prime Minister Gordon Brown, formerly the Chancellor when the Iraq war started, or the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Defence Secretary who was in situ at the time? Were the military given an unlimited purse, or were they hamstrung by financial constraints, leading to shortages of vital equipment?

Someone is telling porkys, and the coming election may well hinge on who that turns out to be.