Because you're worth it...

The weary England squad are back on home soil and wondering if they can pin it all on the foreign johnny with the funny accent. Capello however, has made it perfectly clear that he wants to carry on with the job, who wouldn't, £6m a year to deliver absolutely nothing? Six million pounds a year, it's such an abstract figure, it's less abstract though when you work out it's £25,000 a day, every working day, day-in, day-out, I'm just going to say that again out loud... "twenty-five thousand pounds... a day". Word has it he'll be kept on... Because he's worth it? No, because it'll cost £5m to get rid off him...

England out of World Cup

England have crashed out of the World Cup to the blare of vuvuzulas and cries of despair from fans who had saved for two years to be in South Africa to cheer them on.

A truly abysmal refereeing judgment robbed Frank Lampard of his goal, again raising speculation that goal-line technology should be employed, but even had the goal been allowed it wouldn't have been enough, the young German side totally outclassed and outplayed the lackluster England squad into a humiliating 4-1 defeat, their worst ever World Cup performance.

Capello has vowed to fight for his £6m a year job (no kidding), but last night the only coach the England team were interested in was the 52 seater taking them to the Airport.

England-1 Slovenia-0

England win a match at last and come second in their group behind the USA.

A visibly chuffed Fabio Capello said after the match "Theeth eeth thee theem thad I thaw een thee roonob tood thee whurlcub, hi amb berry berry abby!"

Just sixteen teams remain and England seem to have found their confidence in the resounding one-nil defeat of Slovenia (pop 2m).

Germany, the next nation to face the English onslaught must be wondering just what they will have to do to stop these behemoths of the field in their bid for glory. Asked the same question a German fan said "Turn up".

World Cup Fever

During the World Cup it's expected that an extra 21 million pints of beer will be drunk, which is great news for our ailing pub industry, faced with crippling competition from big chain supermarkets and their 'cheaper than water' offers on alcohol.

Unfortunately beer sales won't be the only figures to go through the roof during England's world cup campaign. Domestic violence spikes by 25%, and it goes up to 30% on the days England are beaten, perhaps 'our boys' should play in black and blue?